Saturday, April 2, 2011

My Own Kryptonite

Yesterday, I was already on the verge of breaking down for I don't have a solid grasp yet on what truly lies ahead. I keep on asking myself, is there really something out there for me? A question that I needed to attend to and when I didn't have a ready answer, I had panic attacks. These attacks usually happen when I don't know what's going to happen. I keep on worrying about the future and when I'm anxious, all I see is pitch black. Sometimes it scares me for I can't breathe and my heart beats incessantly. I know that this is all in the mind but my mind is so powerful that it devours my every being, making me weak and powerless.

I have been dealing with this for quite some time now and there may be a lot of ways to suppress the feeling but I need a permanent solution. Before, all I do is go out, unwind and relax myself but after awhile, it crawls back to my system, making all my fears come to life.

So yesterday, I had to cling on to who I believe is the most powerful of all, GOD! I went to a church where I wrote all my petitions including my plea to ask for the perfect solution to get rid of this. I prayed fervently and it felt like He spoke to me.

I think He told me; "Son you shouldn't worry at all about anything, you are destined for greatness! Always remember that you're not alone, I gave you your beloved family and friends who can take care of you at all times. Remember as well that you can defeat all the negativity by hanging on tight to your faith and by believing that you can indeed triumph over all of this madness"

After the divine intervention, I felt the freedom! I felt that I'm on my way to eradicating this predicament. I even went to a place where I usually find utmost serenity; in the arms of the one who I believe God has made for me.

I know that this is a gradual process and it may resurface sometimes including suspicions, paranoia and nervousness that are adjoined to anxiety attacks and for this I already apologize to those people who may be affected by this.

Furthermore, I want to believe that this is just one of those kryptonites that resurface every once in a while to make me see that I am not indeed invincible. That I am still human, vulnerable and susceptible to pains and sorrows.

But just like any weakness, there's a corresponding strength that can overpower it! And now I would want to make use of my strength of not giving up easily. I want to make all of this right! I want to make all the people I love happy and not at all feel the burden of dealing with a person with anxiety attacks.

I'm still young, the journey to complete sanity is way too far for it can only be felt in heaven. But this one I promise, I'll do my very best to remain a hero to a lot of people. I still want to continue on giving advices about career, family and love. I would still want to always project a smiling face for I know that this is my way of making others feel that God is there and He'll never leave us.

No comments: